What Are the Stages of Grief — and Do They Actually Apply to You?

The short answer: The five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) were identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to describe what dying patients experienced — not what bereaved people experience in sequence. Grief is not linear, not universal, and does not follow stages. Most people experience grief as waves that come and go unpredictably. There is no right way to grieve.

Where the Stages of Grief Come From

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published On Death and Dying, in which she described five psychological responses she observed in terminally ill patients: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Her work was revolutionary — it gave voice to the inner experience of dying at a time when death was a taboo subject in medicine.

Over the following decades, these five stages were widely — and incorrectly — applied to bereaved people (those mourning a death), treated as universal, and presented as a linear sequence that everyone should pass through on the way to "acceptance." None of that was Kübler-Ross's original intention, and extensive research since has shown it to be inaccurate.

What Research Actually Shows About Grief

Modern grief research, particularly the work of George Bonanno and others at Columbia University, has shown that:

• Grief is not universal: People respond to loss in enormously varied ways, all of which can be healthy
• Most bereaved people are resilient: The majority of bereaved individuals do not experience prolonged complicated grief
• Grief is not linear: People move in and out of grief states non-sequentially, often for years
• Grief comes in waves: Many bereaved people describe grief as something that arrives unexpectedly and passes, rather than a steady progression through stages
• Absence of intense grief is not pathological: Some people feel relief, or relatively little distress, after a death — and this is normal, not a sign of not having loved enough

What "Acceptance" Actually Means

Many grieving people struggle with the concept of "acceptance" — it sounds like being okay with the death, or no longer missing the person. What it actually means is closer to: accepting the reality of the loss, not as something that is okay, but as something that is permanently true. You don't have to be okay with it. You have to live with it.

Complicated Grief: When Professional Help Is Needed

About 10–15% of bereaved people experience "complicated grief" (also called prolonged grief disorder): intense, debilitating grief that significantly impairs function for more than a year after a major loss. Complicated grief is distinct from normal grief and benefits from specific therapeutic approaches. If you are struggling to function, to find meaning, or to accept the reality of the loss after many months, seek professional support.

How a Death Doula Supports Grief

Death doulas provide grief support in the weeks and months following death — not as therapists, but as compassionate companions who check in, listen, and help normalize the grief experience. They may also connect bereaved family members with appropriate professional support when needed.

Frequently Asked Questions

Do the stages of grief happen in order?

No. Grief does not follow a sequential progression through stages. Most people experience grief as waves — unpredictable, non-linear, and highly individual. You may feel acceptance one day and anger the next.

Is it normal to feel relief after someone dies?

Yes. Relief — especially after a long illness or difficult caregiving period — is a completely normal grief response. It does not mean you didn't love the person or that you are not grieving.

How long does grief last?

There is no standard timeline. Most people find that grief's intensity diminishes over months to years, but loss of a significant person never fully disappears — it becomes integrated into who you are. Expecting grief to end by a specific date sets people up for unnecessary suffering.

What is complicated grief?

Complicated grief (prolonged grief disorder) is intense, prolonged grief that significantly impairs daily functioning for more than 12 months after a loss. It affects about 10–15% of bereaved people and benefits from specific therapeutic interventions.

Can a death doula help with grief?

Yes. Death doulas provide grief accompaniment — checking in with bereaved family members in the weeks and months after a death, listening without judgment, and helping normalize the grief experience. They are not therapists but can help connect families with appropriate professional support.

Renidy connects grieving families with compassionate end-of-life professionals. Find support near you.