How to Pre-Plan Your Own Memorial Service
By CRYSTAL BAI •
The short answer: Pre-planning your own memorial service is one of the most loving things you can do for your family — removing the impossible burden of making decisions in acute grief while ensuring the celebration of your life reflects who you actually were. It doesn't require imminent death; it's a gift anyone can give at any time.
Most families who have pre-planned a memorial service report the same thing: it was a profound gift. The person who pre-planned it got to shape their own legacy; the family got to grieve rather than frantically make decisions. Here's how to do it.
Why Pre-Plan?
- Ensure it reflects you: Families left to plan under grief pressure often default to generic services. Your preferences — music, readings, tone, people, location — will be honored only if you specify them.
- Relieve your family: Bereaved families have described planning a memorial under acute grief as one of the most exhausting and anxiety-producing experiences of their lives. Remove that burden.
- It doesn't mean you're dying soon: Pre-planning can be done at any age. Many people do it when completing other estate documents, after a health scare, or simply because it feels like responsible preparation.
- Reduce financial uncertainty: Some pre-planning includes pre-purchasing or price-locking funeral services, protecting against inflation and family financial stress.
What to Specify
Type of Service
Do you want: a traditional funeral? A celebration of life? A graveside-only ceremony? A memorial service weeks after death? An intimate family gathering vs. open community event? A living wake (while you're still alive)?
Location
Funeral home chapel? Religious institution? Outdoor location? Your home or a family home? A place meaningful to you (a favorite park, beach, community space)?
Music
Specific songs you want played (and in what format — live, recorded). Songs you explicitly don't want. The tone you want — solemn and reverent, or joyful and celebratory, or a mix.
Readings and Speakers
Specific poems, passages, or prayers. People you want to speak (and what you'd want them to say, if you want to guide it). People you explicitly do not want to speak.
Rituals and Elements
Flowers (or no flowers)? Charitable donations instead? Open casket or closed? Specific religious or cultural rituals? Activities (a toast, a shared meal, a specific ritual)? Objects you want present or distributed?
Practical Elements
Where do you want your body (burial, cremation, natural burial, donation, other)? If cremation, what should be done with the remains? Are there specific people you want notified?
How to Document It
Write it down and make sure multiple people know where to find it. Options:
- Include it in your advance directive or as an attached document
- Keep it with your will (in the same location)
- Write it as a letter to your family and give it to your designated person now
- Record a video of your wishes that can be played at the service itself
Critically: do not put it only in a safe deposit box — families often can't access those immediately after death.
How a Death Doula or Funeral Celebrant Helps
A death doula can facilitate the pre-planning conversation, help you articulate your wishes, and document them in a useful format. A funeral celebrant can receive your preferences now and be engaged to lead your service when the time comes. Both can be engaged well in advance of any terminal diagnosis — this is a service for the living.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can I pre-plan my memorial service without a terminal diagnosis?
Absolutely. Pre-planning is most valuable when done while healthy — before a crisis forces hasty decisions under grief. Estate planning attorneys, death doulas, and funeral homes regularly work with healthy people who want to remove this burden from their families.
What's the difference between pre-planning and pre-paying for a funeral?
Pre-planning means documenting your wishes. Pre-paying (pre-purchasing) means paying for specific funeral services in advance, often at today's prices. Pre-planning is always advisable; pre-paying has pros (locked prices, family protection) and cons (financial risk if the funeral home closes or you move). Consult a funeral home and potentially a financial advisor before pre-paying.
How do I make sure my family follows my pre-planned wishes?
Document them in writing and make sure multiple trusted people know where the documents are. Include them with your advance directive and will. Tell your designated person (Healthcare POA, executor) explicitly. The more people who know, the more likely they are to be honored. Written instructions are legally persuasive even when not legally binding.
Can I include specific songs or readings in my pre-planned memorial?
Yes, and this is often the most valued part of pre-planning. List specific songs (title, artist, version if relevant), readings, poems, or prayers. Include the tone you want — solemn, joyful, or both. If you have a specific person in mind to speak, tell them now. The most personalized memorials come from the most specific pre-planning.
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